Lately, I’ve been thinking back to the fall of 2018, when my now ex-husband and I sold our home in Central Texas and moved to the West Coast. We had both dreamed of living in a milder climate for years, and in October 2018, we finally made it happen.
I ended that marriage four years later, in the fall of 2022. So why am I reflecting back on that time now?
Because I remain in awe of how completely different my life looks today. It wasn’t an easy journey – it took a lot of work, and I had to be vulnerable, humble, and honest with myself. But every day I am reminded of how far I’ve come, and how valuable all of that work was.
Let me take you back in time for just a moment. In my book, Gray Divorce: My Life Rewritten, I share an event that was a turning point for me – when I blurted out my deeply buried truth to a close friend:
“I haven’t loved him in a long time.” I remember sitting back in my chair, wondering where those words had come from. And in the space between speaking them and hearing them linger in the air, I was stunned to learn how I felt, as though someone else had let me in on a secret.
Realizing that I had buried those feelings so deeply that I didn’t recognize them as my own was more devastating than the realization that my marriage was over.
It meant I didn’t know who I was anymore and was so lost that my own feelings had no home.
At that moment, I knew I was facing an impossible choice and could no longer pretend everything was fine. The marriage had been on life support for years, and I was exhausted from keeping up appearances.
That turning point happened once we were back in Texas. As you can guess, the move to the West Coast wasn’t the long-held dream I thought it would be. Instead, the deep rift in my relationship became glaringly obvious.
And so, after much agonizing over a decision I should have made years before, I found myself in the process of getting divorced around the time I was hitting my 60th birthday.
It wasn’t for the faint of heart, let me tell you. All of the excavating of old belief systems and behavior patterns, of standing in front of a mirror and finally facing who I was, so that I could dig deep and rescue the little girl who had never healed – yes, it was a lot of work.
But the difference in my life? So worth all of it. Because today I am in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, with a wonderful man who treats me with respect and love. It’s a true partnership, not a one-sided, give-everything-and-get-nothing-in-return situationship.
I look back now and remember the feeling of hope as we left Texas in the rearview mirror – hope that the new location would represent a new beginning in our lives and our relationship, when it wasn’t either of those things. It was the beginning of the end.
How vastly different things are today, as I look forward to what’s ahead while enjoying the little everyday moments that are so precious, the here-and-now, healthy relationship, not only with my husband but also with myself.